All Was Connected

Psychosis, and the recovery time after, has a strange symptom. A sense of grandeur. A feeling as if you are spiritually connected to all around you. A feeling of telekinetic powers. For me, anyway. During this time I met a horse. A neighbor of my father’s property in Tennessee. “A mean horse,” my father had…

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Dogs Say Nothing

The day before we left that hotel in Arkansas Bella broke a nail. It had gotten caught in a grate that covered a drainage slope in the sidewalk near the laundry room. We were leaving the next day. Bella refused to walk on her foot, so S. carried her. He loaded her into the truck…

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A Reminiscing Essay

With the spirit in mind that this blog is a record, a series of essays is to follow, written mostly for my own benefit. Maybe they’ll strike you in some way. This is the story of the first meal I ever cooked. I was 22, engaged, and living in a hotel room while my fiance…

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Likes are Great

But nothing beats being with my kids. Nothing tops “Mama, mama, mama.” Nothing compares to making snacks for a little voice saying “Thank you very much.” Nothing is equal to playing on the floor with my two pups. Nothing satisfies quite like having my hair pulled and my pants tugged on. Likes are great but…

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Immune to Embarrassment

Well, almost. I think embarrassment has been triggering my panic attacks (and I’ve been trying to put a finger on my triggers). I am embarrassed of a lot of things that I said while in the hospital and after leaving it. I’m embarrassed for having lost my children, for acting crazy and hurting my family.…

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My True Colors

So, I was sitting here with coffee. And I looked up to see this: That about sums me up. And it cracks me up. Don’t forget to laugh at yourself, too. Laughter cuts the bitterness of that black coffee I’m obviously addicted to.

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Highway Ahead

Once we get on the highway we will start to make some headway. But I’ll be driving faster, and we’ll talk about different things. I just want to make sure you remember everything about me. That I suffered an acute form of postpartum depression. I know I almost left you, but you have been a…

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Silver Chain

I wear one. I bought it for myself. It’s nothing fancy but it’s real. As I kissed Sergio goodbye he grabbed it. He didn’t want to let go of it. I pulled it from his fingers and shut the door. I lit up as my children were driven away. Now comes my question for you.…

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Oh Fiddlesticks, It’s Friday

I’m climbing in the car, off to visit my children. And when I come home I’ll be full of sadness and regret and longing. What feelings for a Friday. It’s a two hour drive north, through some of Illinois’ finest small towns (and I ride as a passenger due to DCFS rules. With a great…

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Hospital Happenings

I told them that I must have smoked laced weed. That someone must have been putting something in my coffee. I felt drugged. I was manic, but that’s how it feels. My blood tests came back negative for everything besides a small amount of THC (I won’t lie to y’all and say I’m an angel).…

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