All Was Connected

Psychosis, and the recovery time after, has a strange symptom. A sense of grandeur. A feeling as if you are spiritually connected to all around you. A feeling of telekinetic powers. For me, anyway. During this time I met a horse. A neighbor of my father’s property in Tennessee. “A mean horse,” my father had…

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Before the Postpartum

Judging by my postpartum experiences, one might expect that I had traumatic birth experiences. Well, I didn’t. I gave birth two both of my children easily. I received the epidural with my son when I was dilated to 7 cm and I received an epidural with my daughter at 9 cm (I should’ve skipped it…

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Immune to Embarrassment

Well, almost. I think embarrassment has been triggering my panic attacks (and I’ve been trying to put a finger on my triggers). I am embarrassed of a lot of things that I said while in the hospital and after leaving it. I’m embarrassed for having lost my children, for acting crazy and hurting my family.…

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One More Coping Mechanism

I am not a make-up expert but recently I’ve found that playing with make-up is soothing. Organizing these products has also been therapeutic. I’m practing and learning lots. To all make-up bloggers: you guys are great! This stuff is a lot of work! Lol.

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On-Ramps

Skuuuurrrrrrrr. I’ve just slammed on the brakes. We’re on the shoulder of the on-ramp. You’ve just asked if I was sure I wasn’t trying to hurt my children. You’ve just given me that wide-eyed, what-kind-of-woman-is-this look that I’ve seen over and over again since the incident. No, no, you’re not getting out this time. It…

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Highway Ahead

Once we get on the highway we will start to make some headway. But I’ll be driving faster, and we’ll talk about different things. I just want to make sure you remember everything about me. That I suffered an acute form of postpartum depression. I know I almost left you, but you have been a…

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Silver Chain

I wear one. I bought it for myself. It’s nothing fancy but it’s real. As I kissed Sergio goodbye he grabbed it. He didn’t want to let go of it. I pulled it from his fingers and shut the door. I lit up as my children were driven away. Now comes my question for you.…

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Oh Fiddlesticks, It’s Friday

I’m climbing in the car, off to visit my children. And when I come home I’ll be full of sadness and regret and longing. What feelings for a Friday. It’s a two hour drive north, through some of Illinois’ finest small towns (and I ride as a passenger due to DCFS rules. With a great…

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Hospital Happenings

I told them that I must have smoked laced weed. That someone must have been putting something in my coffee. I felt drugged. I was manic, but that’s how it feels. My blood tests came back negative for everything besides a small amount of THC (I won’t lie to y’all and say I’m an angel).…

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What Happened Next

After they took my children, ripping them away from me as if I were truly an alligator wrapped around them in the backseat of the cop car, they got us into the hospital. I was put in a bed, probably a triage unit, and asked questions. All I wanted was water and to see my…

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